I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
