i just wanna soil my oats bro
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
