Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
