also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
