i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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