i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
