My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
