Don't make out with my wife yet
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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