I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
