I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
