I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
