I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We don't watch enough power rangers
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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