So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
