Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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