3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
