Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
