I cockslap morals
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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