by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
