I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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