Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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