I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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