I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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