I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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