Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
