i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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