I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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