Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
