Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
