So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
