I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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