I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
