Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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