Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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