are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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