If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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