I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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