I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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