Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
