Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
