My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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