If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Randomize
