i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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