a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
