Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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