my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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