I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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