yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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