I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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