saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
