there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
