Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
