if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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