i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
