Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
