Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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