if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
