I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
only you would photoshop your dick
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
