The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
