the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
