the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So vagazzling was a success
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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