I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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