all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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