I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
