I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
